CLUNY'S CORNER Cluny@ClarionIsh.Com

GOING ON A DIET

My master has decided that I need to go on a diet. It really was not his idea. The suggestion came from his girlfriend, Miss Leashemup. I just want to say that this does not help my relationship with Miss Leashemup. I really don't believe I need to go on a diet.

As many of my faithful readers know, I am a Yorkshire Terrier. I am supposed to be a little doggie, but to my delight, I am a 'big-boned' macho-dog, weighing over twenty pounds. My veterinarian, Dr. Dawg, even noticed this when I went in for my first shots and puppy check up right after my master got me from the Happy-Yappy Puppy Farm almost four years ago. My size was all right then, so why is it that a few pounds later-he and Miss Leashemup are talking about Fit'n Trim Doggie chow for me? Gee...does that mean my master may even start to ration my canned Alpo, my doggie treats, and my favorite food...table scraps?

My master suggested a diet alternative (those things I see advertised on TV all the time). My master mentioned a gym, but that would cut into my TV and naptime. I have to get my beauty rest, and I have to see "Scooby Doo," "Lassie," "Rin-Tin-Tin," and "Fraizer," with my new hero, 'Eddie.'

I suggested a personal trainer like Cindy Crawford, but my master said that was too expensive, and he wasn't flying anyone out here to Noneck, Georgia, just for me to lose weight. I then suggested "Barbie" workout tapes. My master wanted to know what's with this fascination for "Barbie." I just ger-rumbled something. (I sure wasn't going to tell him about the naked Barbie doll I found and hid for safekeeping in the backyard. I'm not a stupid dog.)

Anyway, he said he'd lose "Law & Order TV" time on TV. Do you realize how many times Law & Order comes on TV during the week? We already argue over how much TV time each of us gets. So, it's no "Barbie" wearing exercise tights for me; and, thankfully, this problem eliminated workout exercises for good.
I wanted that my master buy me an ab-belt (the kind that you put on and it works your tummy with very little strain even while you watch TV). He said that those contraptions were as useless as "Dreamaway," a product that let you loose weight while you sleep. When I looked curious, he said "Dreamaway" was no longer sold. That's too bad, cuz it sounded good to me!

It looks like I've got to do it the hard way...doggie diet food and low-cal doggie snacks and treats. Please, please tell me there aren't a lot of calories in my "Liva-Snap" doggie crackers.
Speaking of needing to drop a few pounds-my master and Miss Leashemup tried doing the Special-K pinch and ended up doing the Grapenut Grab. I'm looking forward to barking out time as they do sit-ups and leading them in a sweat as they try to jog around the neighborhood chasing me. Payback is so sweet.

Email me:Cluny@ClarionIsh.com