CLUNY'S CORNER Cluny@ClarionIsh.Com

A DOG GONE LOOK AT THE WORLD
I HATE SPAM

As the most popular writer for the Clarion Issue, I have my own e-mail address so all my loyal readers can write me and tell me how much they enjoy my candid observations on life. I can do this without having to wade through all the hate and "you guys are idiots" e-mail received by my master and Sam. However, even a popular columnist like myself opens his e-mail inbox to find dreaded SPAM cluttering the box and taking up precious time that keeps me from answering all the important e-mail from my fans. Even more frustrating is when I answer an ad and receive no reply.

An important incident occurred just recently. I received an e-mail from a pharmacy wanting to fill all my meds at a discount price. Since my master is a cheapskate and is always trying to save money, I waded through the Viagra and Zantax ads and placed an order for my heartworm pills and Advantage flea repellant. I even ordered the oral Rabies vaccine since I hate shots. I then waited patiently for the UPS truck to deliver my medicine. I even stopped barking when he pulled up to deliver Avon to the lady across the street. But the medicines never arrived. My master and I had to go get my meds from the Vet. I also had to get a dreaded shot and then listen to my master complaining about the high cost of doggie care all the way home.

Another disappointing episode with SPAM came when I answered an ad for art. I skipped the Degas and Renoir paintings and wrote the company to see if they had velvet wall tapestries of "Dogs Playing Cards," and "Elvis," you know, the type of tapestries that used to hang on the wall in Jessie Helms' and Strom Thurmond's offices in the Senate building. Well these people did not reply either. I guess they really don't know what great art is!

There was even an ad for home improvements once, and of course, I had to check it out. I sent them the outside dimensions for my doggie house for vinyl siding, the inside dimensions for paneling, central heating, and air. I even inquired about a doggie house fireplace and patio, complete with the most modern patio furniture. As usual, there was no reply. This time even my master was mad because I made him take the measurements.

I don't know how junk e-mail got the name SPAM. I thought that SPAM was a canned meat product that is pretty good when fried or served with as a casserole with macaroni and cheese. I sometimes eat it when I visit my girlfriend, Miss Daisy, at the Dreary Acres Trailer Park down the road.

I do know that when the leaders of our great nation, like Barney, the president's Scottie who really holds the power in this land, create the "no SPAM list," like the new "telemarketer no call list," I'm gonna be the first to sign up. I might feel different if they actually delivered on their promises!

Write me: Cluny@ClarionIsh.com no SPAM please, unless it's in a can!

Email me:Cluny@ClarionIsh.com