CLUNY'S CORNER Cluny@ClarionIsh.Com

A DOG GONE LOOK AT THE WORLD
THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Several years ago my master told me to saddle up, that I was going to get “tutored.” I assumed it was another useless and pointless trip to some doggie obedience school, and I’d just have to hang around, act like I learned something, and get fed a bunch of snacks as a reward. Imagine my surprise when we pulled up to Dr. Dawg’s (a.k.a. Dr. “Snipper’s”) office, and I realized that I had not heard the instructions correctly. I cringed in disbelief when I learned that I was going to get neutered, not tutored. I tried to explain to my master that I did not need to be fixed because I was not broken, but he left me there and Dr. Dawg (a.k.a. Dr “Snipper”) did his “thang” and I became an “it.”

Now, thanks to Sam, the research editor of the Clarion Issue, there is finally hope for my doggie self-esteem. I no longer have to suffer from “testicular envy,” an emotional imbalance suffered by neutered male pets due to a lack of appearing male; because a wonderful Texas entremanure has developed “Neuticles.” Neuticals are replacement testicles that appear real and can help male doggies, once again, feel proud as they take their daily walk and constitutional with their masters.

Neuticals are the hottest product of a great company called the Canine Testicular Implants Corporation. Over 100,000 sets of Neuticals have been sold and they only cost $100 a pair. The operation to implant them costs about $400 for a previous neutered doggie and only about $50 if they are implanted at the time of the “snipping.” Leave it to a Texas Company to see to a male’s self-esteem and at such a reasonable price. It is no wonder that General Robert E. Lee once proclaimed, “God bless Texas.”

As Christmas approaches I thought that a set of Neuticles and the operation would be a great Christmas present. Instead of a stocking full of el-cheapo doggie biscuits, doggie snacks that taste like rubber, and doggie squeak toys that don’t last past New Years, I want a set of Neuticals under the tree.

Yes, a nice set of brass Neuticals would go a long way in curing my “testicular envy,” and I’m sure Santa could get a set down our chimney. The only problem is that my master is too cheap to spring for the Neuticals and the $400 operation! So I appeal to you, my loyal readers, to help me get a set as your gift to me for my wonderful column and candid insights you enjoy in each Clarion Issue. You can pledge your support by e-mailing me at Cluny@ClarionIsh.com, and I thank you in advance for your support and pledges.

Email me:Cluny@ClarionIsh.com